Dear Recruiter: Everything You’ve Wanted to Say But Couldn’t

Dear Recruiter:

Did you really just send me an email that says “Hi, my name is Joe and I’m a digital media recruiter. I’m looking for a seller in NY. Let’s talk.”

Well, Joe, my name is Mary and your poorly written email did little to interest me in having a discussion with you.

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Dear Bottom Feeder (ahem, Recruiter):

You know, nobody in our company actually has an office. We all sit in open spaces. So, hey, thanks for that cold call in the middle of the day. It wasn’t too awkward being surrounded by my co-workers and with my boss 3 seats away.

I appreciate that you’ve got a job and might potentially have something interesting to talk to me about, but drop me an email first and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Thanks, man.

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Dear Recruiter:

Do you even know what the hell programmatic is? Take some time to learn about what you are selling before reaching out.

Thanks for wasting my time.

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Dear Recruiter:

Ummm, no, I’m not going to let you send my resume into some company if you can’t tell me the name of it. That’s just the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And, how would you expect me to prepare for my interview if they wanted to meet me?

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Dear Recruiter:

I’m a VP of Marketing. Why the hell are you pitching me a job for a Director of Account Management. Do you even know the difference between the two? And, why would I want a title demotion to work for a company that nobody has ever heard of? Seriously?

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Dear Recruiter:

It takes 1 minute to email me back. What the hell? I guess when I can line your pockets with dough, then you want to speak to me. You suck.

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Dear Recruiter:

Can you and your fellow recruiters talk to each other? For crying out loud, I’ve had 3 of you reach out to me for the SAME JOB in the past two weeks! Get it together, people.

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Dear Recruiter:

I don’t understand why you won’t call me back and give me feedback or a status update? Your client not getting back to you is no excuse. You could take a minute to let me at least know that this is the case. I’ve left you 3 voicemails and sent you 5 emails and all I hear is silence. It’s been 3 weeks!!! Where is your sense of decency?

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Dear Recruiter:

You want my resume? Send me a complete job description with the company name.

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Dear Recruiter:

I never told you that you could send my resume out to any Tom, Dick or Harry! Are you kidding me? If you’re using my resume to phish for new business, I’m going to have to come over there and whoop your ass!

Don’t ever call me again.

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Dear Recruiter:

Thanks so much for taking the time to get to know me and for representing me to your client. I appreciate your efforts on my behalf and your professionalism along the way. It’s so nice to work with someone who understands the business and really gets what I do and what I’m looking for.

It’s been great working with you and thank you for helping me along with my journey.

(Not all of us are ass hats.)

Jane Ashen Turkewitz is the President and Chief Talent Officer of .comRecruiting — a firm dedicated to advancing careers and business in digital media and emerging technology.